I'm 54 years old. Lately I've "seen" things differently. At first I was alarmed that this new sense of life meant I was going to die soon (I’m half Greek and have a more-than-slight tendency to add an unneeded note of drama to my ordinary life) but now I have accepted that this is merely another interesting page unfolding for me.
When I was in 10th grade Art Class, I had a wonderful teacher, Mrs. Brown, who once upon a lazy warm day, showed us how to start a picture with a center design: circle, square, star, whatever. Once we established our center, we drew lines or ovals around it. Then we added around the circles and lines, spreading outward until we had filled the page with beautiful, random forms and figures. We colored them in as we pleased, and a gorgeous tapestry or quilt was created. It was really a kind of glorified doodle, but so very much fun and cool and beautiful. It kind of reached out to the universe, had no end, and to me represented . . . endless possibilities.
At this point in my life I feel very aware of that tapestry or quilt. Everything I do each day, every person I meet, is an interaction with the entire earth in a small way. Kind deeds spread outward to affect countless others (if I smile at a clerk, maybe they will smile at their next customer, and so on and so on). The sight of the full moon spreads beauty throughout the town of Murphy and outward to all of Dallas, and even further out, spreading its gentle glow over the earth. The energy I expend at work adds to the energy of the globe as it goes about its business.
I like that. I like feeling that I am a part of something universal. I like looking at the world as potentially good and, if I spread my small form of goodness, my positive energy, it might help cause a chain reaction of positive energy that will actually make a difference.*
If nothing else, I find the world an endlessly fascinating place, full of wonder and new adventures. I hope I always will.
*CAVEAT: This feeling of benign good will in no way mitigates my frequent desire to slap certain politicians and other idiots upside the head when they do or say something totally asinine, bigoted or downright stupid; nor does it abate my earnest and sincere promise to eviscerate anyone who tries to harm my children.
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I have been trying to accept the inevitability of death. It's going to happen to all of us, and when my time comes I want to be able to leave this life without fear.
ReplyDeleteRecently I have awakened to find damage to one I have claimed to cherish. The immense pain of owning, really feeling down to my cells, regret and abject sorrow is almost more than I can bear. But in facing my worst fear, the departure of one who was once a part of my soul, I have discovered other emotions as well -- the need to right those wrongs I have committed, and to be grateful.
I have wallowed in self-pity long enough. No my life is not perfect, parts have been hideous. But other parts have been full of wondrous delight. I owe the universe an innocent, open hearted feeling of gratitude.
Thank you for my life.
It is a tapestry of interconnected feelings and discoveries. Where it will lead I cannot see. This is frightening as there are many possibilities of more pain, even overwhelming and devastating pain and betrayal.
But it is real. I am here, awake and feeling. And I am alive. And that is good.
Yes, it is. See where your tapestry will take you.
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